Mental health. What is mental health? Am I mentally healthy? ... Have you asked yourself this before? Take a look in the mirror and watch your own reaction or even listen to your thoughts. Are you smiling? Observing? Complimenting yourself? Or maybe you're pointing out all these flaws... When you set a goal or toe the line, do you encourage yourself or talk yourself down? Are you excited? Nervous? Maybe a little bit of both...maybe you feel overwhelmed. Why do we question ourselves as individuals as well as athletes constantly, why are we judging ourselves instead of taking ourselves up? Have you ever thought of this? I know that's feels like 50 questions at once, but if you were to be inside my head every time I am in front of a mirror or when I'm toe-ing the line...you'd think I'm some crazy woman. I've spoken about this before on my blog and I'm going to bring up the topic of mental health once again. It might be a little bit of a triggering post for some of you so I advise that you stop yourself if needed - it would never break my heart, I want you all to be safe. However, I am going to tell you a story, and speak of mental health from my perspective as both a young female and an athlete. I look at myself in the mirror, I would say easily 10 times a day on average. Before leaving the house for any time of event or occasion (even the gym) I will change my outfit 4 times at the least. When I toe the line at a race I question my even decision that led up to that very moment, and honestly I have talked myself down quite a bit during races and it's hurt many of those races resulting in not only an awful race but a rush of emotions afterwards. For those who may not be aware I had an interesting childhood and teen years. I was bullied quite a bit even by "best friends" in high school and quite often I was the target for rude comments, snarky remarks, and occasionally physical pain that was considered a "joke". I grew up in a household with a little bit of a rocky marriage. Constant yelling, arguing, lack of love. I grew up with a huge lack of confidence in myself, I was constantly judging my body and comparing myself to every single female I laid my eyes on. In 2011 I "behind the scenes" developed an eating disorder, and oddly enough counselors found this to be traced back to when I was in elementary school where I would dispose of parts of my lunch without even thinking twice. I say my disorder was behind the scenes because I kept it to myself, no one had a clue. I abused myself physically, and I have scars on my body that I'll forever be left with and I wouldn't be surprised if my body never functions "normally" because of the way I've abused it in the past. I found out in later years that I wasn't the only individual in my family to have an eating disorder; my own mother had one in her 20's. From 2011 until 2014 I did it all. Judged my body, talked myself down, starved myself, purged my meals, hid food, you name it and I've probably done it. Now I look back on those times and ask myself....why? Why did I get enjoyment out of searching for "Pro Ana" internet accounts? Why was I striving to be a "size 0"? Why was I thinking about this stuff every second of every day. The answer is simple I thought. I had a body disorder....right? Well it was much more than that. Mentally, I was extremely unstable. I thought about burning calories and not consuming over 500 calories every single day of my life, I cried when I couldn't workout, I cried when my jeans didn't fit right, I truly hated myself. I was taking a ride on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life... I thought I was insane. I didn't look awful a my "normal size" why did I think I was? Who was judging me besides...me? The biggest issue the world has is we are constantly judging other individuals. On their size, eating habits, jobs, characteristics, values, money, their valuables, it's ridiculous. I'll be honest, I've judged others before, and I always wonder why...why did I say that? I don't know what that individuals' life is like who am I to judge..?? Isn't pretty wild when you think of it? I like to think that our biggest competition, and our biggest enemy is ourselves. We never have enough faith, or confidence in ourselves and that's what hurts us the most - especially as athletes. I've hit some pretty big lows in my life, some have even been recently. I think I've ripped my body apart in ways that I never thought I ever would...mentally of course. There's this indirect awful stigma that women have to "look a certain way". That they MUST be petite, always have make up on, dress a certain way, appeal to others, must have their hair done...It's pretty shitty if you ask me. Society pressures us to all look like supermodels but not all bodies are built the same, we've all heard this before. There's even a stigma that says ALL runners are thin, they must eat a certain way, and yet again look a certain way, to me this is just bizarre. During the midst of what I call a relapse while I was attending college and battling a difficult relationship, I sought out help from a professional. I brought myself to the on-campus counseling services and begged for help. Nobody knew, nobody had a clue what was going on...I kept it all to myself. Seeking out help in school was probably the best decision I ever made. It had many positives and even a couple of negatives (loss of relationship). I learned more about myself during my time of asking for help, I became so much more familiar with my body both physically as well as mentally, and vowed to make a change. I replaced my fear of food with a plant-based diet full of delicious vegetables, fruits, and legumes and I started to meditate with my roommate. Since that day, yeah I've had a couple of "mini relapses" and I've had days where I've completely broken down but I've also changed my life. I'm begun partaking in a full vegan diet, I've paid more attention to my body's health mentally as well as physically, and on the side I've started to model. Sure, people shit on me every day of my life about my diet and about the fact that I put myself in front of a camera and "pose for Instagram". Well, honestly fuck all of those individuals. Eating plants makes me feel great inside, modeling makes me feel amazing on the outside and yeah I am going to do whatever the hell I want because I feel AMAZING. I don't think I've ever been so happy with my body like I am today. My advice to you all is to do what YOU LOVE and what makes YOU feel amazing regardless of what anyone else thinks. You are strong, phenomenal, beautiful; you are you. I know that it'll take time for me to be 100% confident with myself and 100% love my body but I am ready for the challenge; I'm ready to love me. I've learned so much about myself since 2011 and I made a promise to myself that I will protect and love myself until the day I die. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." - Scott Jurek ......Oh and yeah in case you were wondering, I shed some tears writing this..... Until next time... Stay Green & Stay Beautiful, Amanda
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March 2018
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