You'll probably start to wonder why this post didn't make it under the "running" tab.. or maybe you didn't even think of that...or you don't give two shits.. honestly, I wouldn't blame you. However, I'll explain why anyways because I know you're all DYING to know. This post was categorized under the lifestyle tag on this blog because, I want to speak about how my lifestyle has been affected by this now month long injury (I know a month sounds like nothing to most of you...). You know the saying "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"?, I can't tell you how that statement currently embodies my life. I think for the longest time, I took running for granted. Sure, I was a proud supporter and appreciator (?) of the sport, but I think subconsciously I've always seen running as a job....or a duty, rather than a passion as much as I spoke about it... that is until now. I always felt like I HAD to run and I HAD to hit my mileage, I HAD to stick to my diet, I HAD to do 2 workouts a week because I HAD to race well otherwise i'd be disappointing people. Disappointing who though? In my mind, it was my coaches, my mom (who's my #1 fan), my team, the people who look up to me, my outside supporters, most importantly... I would be disappointing myself. I take a pretty hard beating on myself when it comes to my athletic performance - I like to think that stems from always feeling "imperfect" in high school. I didn't have good grades, I was the permanent bench warmer for both the basketball and softball team, my brother excelled in everything school related, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life when I graduated, I didn't have many friends.... I felt like a lost cause. I think I take a pretty hard beating on myself in "real-life performance" as well. I am ALWAYS comparing myself to other females mostly for looks & size, but skill level, how males are interested in them, intelligence, heck even on their diets as wild as that sounds. I am going to put 99% of the blame on social media mostly because I find that's what triggers me. I feel like too many individuals (including myself) spend far too much time invested in their cell phones and not invested in what's right there in front of them whether that's social media, texting, emailing, sports updates, dating apps, etc. So as i'm going on and comparing myself to these other females who are beautiful, skinny, have clear skin, eat this "perfect diet", have beautiful bodies, guys love them, are intelligent and amazing at what they do, I find myself slowly collapsing. ..and this injury has only made that worse. If you look back at my last couple posts - I've been in and out of a walking boot for a few weeks with a damaged foot that no doctor can seem to fix. I can't say I've been given any helpful medical advice from my doctors and no answer as to what the heck is going on - talk about frustration. I've been on this seesaw of emotions and pain for the last 4-ish weeks..just about a month(?). My mileage is down significantly, my first "goal" 5K race in Boston is in 3 weeks, and I've got close to no training under my belt - frustrating eh?! I think something I have always pushed aside though is the true mental aspect of my sport. I talk about mental strength and stability - but I don't always feel that I believe in, or practice what I preach. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone"....think about that...I didn't know how mentally stable I was (some people might disagree with this statement) with running until it was taken away from me. I'm honest when I say I don't really know who I am anymore (even as dramatic as that sounds), I can't feel like myself without this sport in my life. Running takes me to another world, to a place where I don't have to worry about stress, or drama, where I fit in, who I have to please / impress; it takes me somewhere safe and I don't think I've been able to realize that until now. All the therapy/ counseling in the world can't do what running does for me. Running is my perfect significant other; it pushes me, challenges me, supports me, doesn't break my heart, makes me stronger, doesn't cheat on me, keeps me happy, and it overall makes me a better individual (my opinion). It sounds wild but this injury and forced restraint from running has turned my world upside down. I don't think the same way, I find it hard to seek out the silver lining in every poor situation, I am paranoid about EVERYTHING, and honestly I'm just not happy. It affects my everyday routine, it has kept me away from my real friends - my running pals, it's taken away my motivation to move forward and to be a better version of myself. I find myself stuck in this awful depression that I just cannot break because I don't know the way out. Running is the best part of my life; being able to lace up and take that first stride onto the pavement, feeling the ground beneath me, wind blowing through my face, that weightless kind of feel with adrenaline pumping through my veins - it's a feel unlike any other (runner's high DOES exist). Everyday I try so hard to be optimistic, I try to see the brighter side, but every day I find that the brighter side is moving farther and farther away from me. It's always one step forward and six steps back...to square one. Maybe I sound dramatic, but to go from running every day, 7 days a week to not being able to run a SINGLE DAY of the week, is f*#king hard. Mentally and physically; it's f*#king hard. I'm fighting a mental battle with myself that I fear I cannot win, my only option is to hope. Hope that there will be an answer, that there will be a solution, that I can reconnect with my muse. My heart physically hurts as time ticks down for Boston, and I find myself struggling to put myself at ease... only time will tell what's next to come.. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone". Until next time.... Stay Green, Amanda
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LifestyleWhat does Amanda do outside of her crazy, insane exercise obsessed life..? I know you're all dying to know. Check out my previous posts!
March 2018
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